Hope In Grief
The stages of grief ebb and flow, and some of us experience certain stages more than others. What about anger? Can we be angry but have no sin? In this blog post, we discuss the complex emotion of anger – and how we can give that anger directly to the Lord in order to grieve well and find healing.
This is part 3 in a series on Good Grief. Catch up on the rest of the series below:
Part 1: What Is Good Grief? How to Find Hope In Your Grief
Part 2: Hope In Grief: 3 Practical Tips to Get Through Denial, Shock, & Bargaining
We all experience grief for different reasons, whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or the loss of a job. We also all process grief in our own way. From denial and shock to anger and depression to acceptance, grief is a non-linear wave that hits us in different ways at different times.
In a similar way, we all experience anger on different levels. Some of us are more predisposed to feeling or expressing our anger than others. Anger can be a momentary experience that we have in reaction to something that's happening around us. Or, it can be a growing volcano inside of us that might erupt and hurt the people around us. This type of anger can lead us to sin—but it doesn’t have to be that way.
How we process our grief and anger has the capacity to either separate us from God or lead us closer to God. In the rest of this blog post, we’ll talk about:
How anger acts as an expression of grief
How to meet God in the midst of your grief and anger
How Anger Acts as an Expression of Grief
Anger is considered a secondary or iceberg emotion. It’s what we see or feel at a given moment—a strong feeling of displeasure or annoyance—but there’s more going on underneath the surface. It can be a reaction that masks other emotions, including grief.
What does this look like? You may find yourself in the anger stage of grief if you’re:
Experiencing a low tolerance for annoying things.
More irritable than normal.
Having a hard time having hope and faith.
Blaming yourself or others for the loss you’re experiencing.
Obsessing about what’s fair and what’s not fair.
Experiencing physical pains like headaches and high blood pressure.
These are signs that you might be in the anger stage of grief. How can you deal with this stage of grief in the most appropriate way—one that brings you closer to God instead of farther apart?
What Godly Anger Looks Like
Anger is not an ungodly emotion when it’s processed the right way.
In fact, God gets angry. However, He’s not an angry God.
God’s posture is a posture of love. The scriptures describe God as rich in love, joy, and peace. His anger lasts only for a moment, but His favor lasts for a lifetime.
It’s from this posture of love, joy, and peace that God experiences anger. God is not a passive God who lets evil and injustice slide. So, when He sees His children getting hurt, hurting themselves, or hurting each other, God gets angry. This is because He loves us and wants the best for us.
Here’s what godly anger looks like:
#1. Slow to Anger
In Scripture, God is described over and over again as patient and slow to anger.
“The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.”
– Psalm 145:8 ESV
(See also: Numbers 14:18, Nehemiah 9:17, and Psalm 86:15.)
Despite what might be perceived as fast acts of wrath in the Old Testament, His righteous judgment follows a slow path. The entire time, He offers the option of repentance, warning and calling all people to him (Psalm 2:10-11).
“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
– James 1:19 ESV
Just like God, we should be slow to anger. When we respond to our anger too quickly, we tend to do or say things we regret. This can be embarrassing or damaging, and it can feed a pattern of behavior that we don’t want to feed.
It’s better to slow down and process anger before reacting to it. However, we also shouldn’t wait too long to deal with our anger, which brings us to our next point.
#2. Quick to Resolve Anger
When God does arrive at anger, it lasts for a short time. He doesn’t dwell in it.
“For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime.”
– Psalm 30:5 ESV
God’s anger is quick, which means it happens at the right time and it doesn't last for a long time.
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
– Ephesians 4:26-27 ESV
Being “slow to anger” does not mean burying it or pretending it’s not there. We have to deal with it eventually, or it will come up in other undesirable ways. Paul says to speak the truth with each other. “Be angry and do not sin” means to be angry when things are inappropriate, but do it in the right way—a way that doesn’t separate us from God.
So, how exactly do we do that?
We run to God with our anger, instead of running away.
How to Meet God in the Midst of Your Grief & Anger
When processing grief and anger, we might be tempted to either deny it or be self-indulgent in our expressions of it. Either way, this damages relationships with others and our relationship with God. Not because God can’t handle it, but because it causes us to sin and separates us from the way that God would have us live.
There’s another option: Bringing your anger directly to God.
In the Psalms, King David poured his heart out to God whenever he experienced anger, loss, and grief. Search for the Imprecatory Psalms or Psalms of Lament and you will see just how raw and honest King David was in his expressions of emotion to God. God wants to hear it all, and He wants to hear it first.
Have you ever had a friend who got upset about something that happened to you, and it felt good because you weren't the only one who was upset? That friend is actually feeling your pain with you. You’re also forming a bond with that person by bringing them the deepest and most important things to you. God meets you in your anger and grief in the same way, and He wants to be that person for you. When something happens, who better to run to than the God of the universe who loves you? When you run to God, it forms deep intimacy with Him and true healing.
To be honest about our emotions with God, we have to slow down. Identifying them and processing them well can’t happen when we are moving too fast to think. Sit with God and ask him to help you identify places where you have experienced loss and how those things are affecting you.
Final Thoughts on Grief & Hope
God brought us into being and designed us for two things:
1. To be in relationship with Him.
2. To be in relationship with each other in a way that reveals Him.
God did not design separation and death. He’s angry because of death. He’s angry because of sin. He’s angry because of the lies of the devil. In fact, He’s so angry over these things that He leaves heaven to do something about it through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
On the cross, Jesus takes our grief, sorrors, and pain. By his wounds, we are healed.
In this very work, we see that God does not passively sit back and do nothing about our pain. He is a God who comes from heaven to meet us in the midst of our pain. He rescues us by going into the grave with us in order to raise us up.
When you’re angry and in grief, know that you’re not alone. Bring it to the one who joins you in your anger. Know that He is not standing back doing nothing. He’s not helpless, and neither are we. He will join us and we will find Him in the midst of our pain, because we have a great hope, and that hope has a name.
And His name is Jesus.
If there's anything that we can do to support you in your journey and in this chapter of life, please don't hesitate to reach out. You’re not in this alone!
This is part 3 in a series on Good Grief. Read part 4 here.